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Way back in the ice age I too took an effective listening course ( I really needed it).


The many ooints listed here are really the main points of that course and would have saved me lot of money if I was able to get them in such concentrated form.

Instead we went through much role playing etc to affirm that we were "getting it."

The feeback part is especially useful to a poor listener ( me!).

Stop athe conversation and say that you wish to relay YOUR understanding of what was said.

Most folks will let you do this.


Then recap succinctly the conversation with "what I heard is...." as a starting part of a sentence. This is very important and will come back to you with "well, almost but here is it actually..." Get what fllows down carefully as after you have put things in YOUR words you will now her it repeated in THEIR words which is more important. If yuo need to clarify a part say so but no argument or ebuttal is allowed.


I also learned two great tools:

1. Volcano where YOU get to say exactly what you want by first making the communication seem very extreme such as " oh my god! I must have a brain tumor! I forget exactly what I want to say and then it comes back to me at the worst time! Forgive me , pease!" Then say what you wish.

2. Emotions cannot be argued. When a person says "I feel that..." you must be attentive and listen and not argue or in any way dissipate the content of the feeling.


Feelings are feeelings and are owned by another person. They MUST be respected.

Look at it this way ...this person is sharing their feelings with me. Oh Goodie!

You can then AFTER what is said add "when you say that I feel that..."

Do not be like me and construct a reply as you are listening. You will be caught and it ain't pretty when you are.

Remember that all communication involves a speaker and a listener. Decide what it is you are at this point and be that and that alone.

Thanks DEE for helping me to remember that course..

-Steve.