Yuku free message boards

Very well written Deorccwen, and great scenario, Stead!

I have a different view than Deorccwen. I view each relationship as overlapping circles. There are areas where all three circles overlap, areas where only two circles overlap, and areas where the circles don't overlap at all.

It is in the area where two circles overlap that the unique relationships are. I love that Bud has things he does that are special and unique with each wife. It is his way of honoring the individual relationships--that each person is a individual, valued person in his life. Bud does not view us as a collective, or the Borg! (LOL)

It may be something as small as a pet name; it may be a set time of the day that is set aside just for that person; it may be a special touch that bonds them. Whatever it is, it is something that is just theirs. It is an intimacy thing, I believe.

We all have insecurities. Even the most confident among us suffers from bouts of insecurity. I don't look at the above scenario as one of insecurity, but rather one of unique intimacy.

As a sisterwife, I would not want to intrude on that special something. I would want my sisterwives to have that intimate special something that was all their own. There are things that Bud and I have that are only for Bud and I; there are things ES and Bud have that are only for Bud and ES; there are things that are only K and Bud's; and there are only things that are SW and Bud's.

I actually view things from the other side of the coin. I don't think it is insecure for the new wife to want something unique, and from the sounds of it, this new wife not only wants some special "thing" that is just between hubby and herself, but also between each sisterwife. I don't think that is insecure, but just the opposite: she wants to build a special, unique bond with each of her spice. I think that is very healthy. I think she is trying to build stong individual relationships and bonds within the whole.

I think each spice should have some unique special something. As Deorccwen pointed out, we are all individuals, but we often have traits that overlap. THAT can be the special something. Two wives go out to a gourmet coffee house every Saturday morning, becuase they both have a deep appreciation for coffee; hubby and one of the wives like to get up early, so they have a routine of getting up an hour before everyone else to enjoy the morning and each other. It is their "thing".

I actually would think it would be insecure for the other wives to deny one of the spices that unique something. I would never want to take that away from one of my wives. I think it would show a lack of respect, and quite possibly, jealousy, for one of the spices to say, "Nuh uh. We are all equals. If he is doing such and such with you, he needs to do it with all of us."

I love having my special something with Bud. If that makes me insecure, then I guess I am insecure. I love that each of my sisterwives have a special something with Bud, too--in fact, I encourage it. I want them to have something that is all their own. And I want each of us sisterwives to have something special and unique between each of us as well.


I think is a sign of respect and maturity to respect and honor that special something. Insecure is feeling like you are being denied that special something rather than rejoicing in the fact that they have that special shared intimacy.

And I don't feel like there is anything wrong with any member of the family protecting those special shared bonds. If I suggested to hubby that we go eat at a certain restaurant, he may inform me that wife X and he go there regularly, and it is their special place. I would immediately smile and say, "oh, okay" and suggest another restaurant. I do not feel the need to have every experience that my other wives have with my husband. I do not feel like I am somehow being denied because I am foregoing eating at that restaurant with hubby to keep it special for wife X. It is something intimate between the two of them, and I would want to respect that.

I do not believe that respecting one wife's special something means he is somehow denying the other wife, since they have their unique special something as well. In my opinion, a wife demanding that the spouse share that unique special something with them as well is the one who is insecure--and a little selfish, too. It boils down to respect and confidence in your relationships within the family.

All of that to simply say that yes, I think it is perfectly okay for each pair within the whole to have a unique special something. I will add an addendum, however. That special something should not be something that impinges or impedes the other relationships. For example, requesting that the "special something" is something you already all have in common, say, a good morning kiss, would be an unreasonable request. But maybe a special kiss, say, a special combination, like one on the forehead, one on the nose, and the last on the lips--THAT could be a special something that is not unreasonable. That could be unique to that relationship. Does that make sense?


Just my obscure, skew view on the world from my quiet little corner of the world!

~D